Re: Jokes Thread

[GuestGuest]

A squirrel is relaxing in his tree when it suddenly starts to shake violently. He looks outside and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You dummy," sayeth the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says "I know, I brought my own!"

[cornAdministrator]

A blonde walks into an electronics store and asks, "Can I buy this TV?"

"Sorry," the clerk responds, "but we don't serve blondes here."

The blonde then leaves, buys a red wig and goes back into the same electronics store the next day and asks, "Can I buy this TV?"

"Sorry we don't serve blondes."

"How do you know I'm blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave."

[GeslanPromising]

I look good..... TOPLESSS

[cornAdministrator]

Four eels, Clive, Sid, Shawn and Marco are swimming around the river bored out of their minds when they see a huge waistcoat on the bank. Clive, the leader of the gang of eels says, "Hey, we can have some fun with that coat. Let's all get in and go into town." So they climb out of the river and get into the coat. Sid becomes the legs, Shawn the body, Marco the arms and Clive, the leader is the head. They take a while to perfect their movements but after a while they were able to convincingly play the part of a human being. So they wander into town and stumble into a small liquor store. They pick up a crate of beer and take it to the counter. The clerk, who was new to the job and was therefore being shadowed by the manager said, "Hey, I don't think this is a legitimate customer." to which the manager replied, "Yeah, four eels."

[cornAdministrator]

Three men are taking a hike in the woods when they spot a rusty old lamp. They give it a clean and suddenly a genie pops out! "Thank you for releasing me!" the genie says, "You can each have three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The first man thinks and says, "I want one billion pounds!" POOF! Sure enough after checking his phone he sees that his bank balance is £1,000,000,007.80. The second man then thinks and says, "I want to be the richest man alive!" POOF! And sure enough after checking his bank balance he sees that he has well over one hundred trillion pounds. The third man then thinks for a minute and says, "I want my right arm to continuously spin clockwise for the rest of my life!" POOF! And sure enough, his right arm starts spinning around.

The genie then says, "Ok, so you both have two wishes left. Think very carefully here." He looks at the first man who says, "I want the hottest wife possible!" POOF! A beautiful blonde is standing right beside him. The genie then looks at the second man who says, "I want to be the best looking man in the world so I can attract whoever I like." POOF! His looks change drastically for the better. The genie then looks at the third man who says, "I want my left arm to be continuously rotating counter clockwise for the rest of my life!" POOF! HIs left arm starts spinning in the opposite direction to his right.

"Ok guys last wishes," the genie reminds them, "So think long and hard about what you want here." The first man thinks and says, "I want to be fit, healthy and prone to no diseases or injuries until the day I die!" POOF! The man gains muscle and feels fitter. The second man thinks and says, "I don't want to age. I want to stay 27 forever." POOF! He looks younger already. The third man thinks and says, "I want my head to be bobbing up and down continuously for the rest of my life!" POOF! He starts nodding uncontrollably. The genie then thanks them once again, wishes them good luck and disappears.

Many years later, they meet up over drinks and chat about how their wishes have changed their lives. The first guy is over the moon and says, "My life is fantastic. With my billion dollars I have set up multiple businesses and set up my family financially for the rest of their lives. My wife is an animal between the sheets and never have I had a cold, bruise or scrape since that day." The second guy smiles and says, "My life has also been incredible. I'm still by far the richest man in the world, and that's after donating billions of my money to charity. I've been knighted thanks to my services to charity. Would you believe I'm still 27? And yeah, your wife is an animal between the sheets." The third guy then runs in, flailing his arms around whilst nodding his head and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

[cornAdministrator]

A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller. He sees that the name on the teller's jacket is Patrick Black so the frog says, "Patrick, I would like to take out a £5000 loan to buy a new car." The teller looks at him skeptically and asks for his name. The frog replies, "My name is Franklin Jagger and my dad is Mick Jagger. The manager of this bank and my dad go way back and he knows who I am." The bank teller looks puzzled and says that he needs to bring in some collateral to secure the loan.

The frog rummages in his pocket and produces a tiny porcelain elephant. He hands it to the teller who looks at it for a few seconds and excuses himself as he has to go and talk to the manager. He approaches the manager and says, "Look I have a frog out here called Franklin asking me for a loan and gave me this as collateral," he produces the tiny porcelain elephant, "I mean what in the hell is this?" The manager studies the elephant, maneuvering it around for a good minute. He then puts it down, looks at the teller dead in the eye and says:

"It's a knick knack, Paddy Black. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[YawnDynamite]

my life

[cornAdministrator]

Aslan, The Cowardly Lion and Cecil all walk into a bar looking absolutely knackered and worn out. The bartender asks them, "Hey, why do you look so beat?"

The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "You have no idea how much I had to go through just to get courage."

Aslan quickly follows, "That's nothing, you should have seen what I had to go through just to get Narnia united."

They both turn to Cecil who slowly puts his drink down and says, "Oh yeah? You have no idea what I had to go through just to get a cavity removed!"

[cornAdministrator]

The band 'The Killers' decide to attend a Fancy Dress party, the theme being 'Famous People'. They agree that they will all dress up as the same person, but can't agree on who. In the end they finally seem to come to some sort a consensus and leave.

On the night they meet up when Brandon Flowers, the lead singer, notices something wrong. Half of the group were dressed as Hugh Hefner and the other half were dressed as Dan Ackroyd. Brandon, clearly distressed and annoyed at this says, "So are we Hugh, man? Or are we Dan sighs."

[GuestGuest]

I bet you guys set your passwords as "pussy" because it's the only time you get to enter it.

[VENOM i7Dynamite]

l0l.

what's the difference between your mother and an elevator

the elevator can raise a child

[vaqqPromising]

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

[vaqqPromising]

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

[vaqqPromising]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

[cornAdministrator]

A comedian is performing his ventriloquist act at a local comedy club telling blonde jokes with his puppet. The reception was great but as he began telling another joke a blonde member of the crowd interrupted him and said, "Excuse me. Do you know how much of a struggle it is day by day to live as a blonde? Don't you think it's unfair that you tar us all with the same brush? There are blondes, like me, who fight daily to be recognized as an integral part of society, people like me who work hard to gain acceptance, people like me, who have fought tooth and nail to abolish this stigma, this stigma that we are all unintelligent, low functioning beings, and frankly I refuse to stand for it anymore!" The comedian, looking visibly shaken and ready to apologize, begins to stammer, "I.. I..."

"Quiet you," the blonde retorts, "I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

[GeslanPromising]

Why hasnt Harry kane voted to stay in the EU or leave?
Because he cant put a cross in the box!

[RénbeaudachAdministrator]

You know my Chinese neighbours gave birth to albino child the other day...

...I guess sometimes two Wongs do make a white.

[cornAdministrator]

A teacher gives her class homework which involves setting up a stall and selling goods over the weekend to learn them about the basics of business. When the class return on the Monday the teacher points out a child and says, "So Jenny, what did you sell and how much did you make?"

"Well I sold home-made buns and cookies and made £30."

"And how did you do that?"

"Well I labelled the buns and cookies as home-made and sold them at cheap prices."

"Very good. John, what did you sell and how much did you make?"

"Well I sold personalized T-Shirts and made £50."

"Very well done John, and how did you do that?"

"Well I priced my T-Shirts at one pound and told my customers that they could personalize it for £2."

The teacher goes around the class asking what each child's business was and how much it made until she got to the very last child. She sighed, "So Little Johnny, what was your business and how much did you make?"

"I sold toothbrushes and made £2500."

"2500!!" she shrieked, "How on earth did you manage to do that?"

"Well I was selling home-made cookies and when my customers bought one they said, "This tastes like dog shit", so I said, "it is, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[HeliosPremierHax Member]

facebook tier jokes itt hesur

[cornAdministrator]

A nurse recently hired at a new practice is having a debrief with her supervisor. "Now there is one thing we don't tolerate around here," he said, "We don't tolerate our members of staff laughing at our patients. We get a number of cases in here and it's important that our staff treat each case the same." "Don't worry," replied the nurse, "I've been doing my job for over 20 years and I have never laughed at another patient, not once!"

So the nurse sits in her waiting room and a man walks in. She asks him what the problem is and without hesitation the man drops his trousers to the floor, revealing the smallest piece she had ever seen. It couldn't be any bigger than an AAA battery. The nurse started giggling a bit before eventually losing it and laughed hysterically for a good 10 minutes before regaining composure. "I'm ever so sorry," she replied, "That was very unprofessional of me. So what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

[cornAdministrator]

A young rooster is introduced into a chicken coop. He starts strutting past all the hens when he sees an older looking rooster looking square in the eye at him. "These are my hens," the older rooster says, "You can't have them." "Hah," the younger rooster scoffs, "I'm younger, fitter and much more handsome than you are, your time is up. These hens will produce double the amount of eggs with me as the leader of the coop!" The older rooster thought for a minute and said, "Okay fine. You can have all these hens if you beat me in a race. First one to complete 10 laps around the chicken coop wins." The younger rooster laughed and replied, "It's on! In fact since it's obvious that I'm going to win anyway I'll let you complete one lap before I start."

The older rooster sets off and is surprisingly quite fit despite his age. Nevertheless, as soon as he completes his first lap the younger rooster sets off and as the race progress, slowly catches up to him. They get to the 9th lap and the younger rooster is just about to catch up to the older rooster when BANG! The young rooster is blown to smithereens.

The farmer looks down at the coop and sighs, "That's the 10th gay rooster I've bought this month."

[lumiAdministrator]

2 fish in a tank

one says t'other "how the fuck do we drive this thing"

[cornAdministrator]

A man is wandering the countryside when he sees a large sign outside a farm which says, 'MAKE MY HORSE LAUGH FOR £100' so the man walks into the farm and finds the horse.

The farmer is sat in his farmhouse reading the newspaper when he hears the most shrieking, uproarious laughter he's ever heard. He rushes out and sees the man with his mare laughing hysterically. "No one has ever been able to cheer up my horse!" he gasped, "Here take the £100."

A few weeks later the man is wandering the same countryside when he reads a sign outside the same farm which reads, 'STOP MY HORSE FROM LAUGHING FOR £500' so the man walks into the farm and goes towards the horse.

The farmer was gathering his crops when he heard the loudest moan he'd ever heard. He rushed towards his horse and saw the man standing there with his mare, with the horse quietly crying. "How did you do it?" the farmer asks, "That horse has been laughing non stop since you cheered him up."

"Well," the man responds, "First I told him that my dick was bigger than his and just now I've shown him."

[cornAdministrator]

A Horse is bored and is watching a heavy metal music video on MTV. During the video, the guitarist plays an amazing solo and the Horse says, "Hey, I'd like to be able to do that." So he gets out his phonebook and rings the first music teacher he sees. "Hey," says the Horse, "I am looking into taking some guitar lessons." 

"No problem," replies the teacher, "just come down whenever you're free." 

"There's just one problem though, I'm a horse."

"Don't worry, there's a new advanced teaching program designed specifically for horses."

So the Horse goes to his music lessons and soon he becomes an expert on the guitar. He can even play that amazing solo to perfection. One day his friend Sheep comes by his house and Horse decides to show him he music video. He sees a really cool drum part and says, "Hey, I'd like to be able to do that." So he gets out his phonebook and rings up the first music teacher he sees. "Hey," says the Sheep, "I am looking into taking some drum lessons."

"No problem," replies the teacher, "just come down whenever you're free."

"There's just one problem though, I'm a sheep."

"Don't worry, there's a new advanced teaching program designed specifically for sheep."

So the Sheep attends his music lessons and soon he becomes a brilliant drum player. He can do that amazing drum part with his eyes closed. So Horse and Sheep are rocking away in their garage when horse says, "Hey, we're missing something." He thinks. "Hey, we need a singer. My friend Cow has a great voice." So Horse rings Cow to ask her if she would like to be a part of the band and she says, "Sure, but only if my husband Bull can also play. He's an amazing bass guitarist." So the four of them become close friends, practicing for hours every day in Horse's garage, and soon become confident enough to play in clubs, pubs and various other venues. The crowd loved them and they were gaining regional press.

One night, a man was having a drink in a bar when he heard the band play. He had heard nothing like it in his life. When the session ended he approached the band and said, "Hey, I'm a record producer. Listen I've just been listening to you guys and I've never heard anything like it in my life. I want to make you guys big stars. What do you say?" Soon the band become well known nationwide and are playing in big venues and on TV. They even have videos featured regularly on MTV. After a few months they become one of the most recognizable bands in the world, scoring countless number one hits.

So the band are taking a break in Las Vegas when the producer comes running to them. "I have great news!" he said, "The events organizer at Glastonbury just phoned. He wants to make us the headline act! The show starts in a week but I think we should catch the first plane available, which is tomorrow morning."

Horse is just about to get ready for bed when his phone rings. It's the hospital. Horse's wife had just been taken in ill. Horse rang the rest of the band members and his producer to tell them the news. He said that they should still catch that flight but he will board a later flight when he's sure that his wife is ok. So Horse pays a visit to the hospital to see his wife. Thankfully it's nothing serious, just a sprained hoof. Horse went out to the waiting room when he saw the news breaking on the small television screen. A plane had crashed into the sea. He then realised that it was the same plane that was carrying his bandmates and his producer. The nurse then signals Horse over to Horse's wife. She looks at him dead in the eye and says, "Look Horse, you spend so much time partying and touring with that band that I just can't take it anymore. I'm filing for divorce." Horse was destroyed.

Through a sea of tears he slowly staggers out of the hospital. He hailed a taxi to take him to the nearest bar and paid him a 50 dollar bill, which he refused change for. He walks in ready to drink himself to death. He slowly staggers towards the stool when the bartender looks at him and says," Hey Horse."

"Why the long face?"

[cornAdministrator]

A son is talking to his father on the eve of his wedding. He brings up his parents 25 year long marriage and asks, "How did you guys manage to make it work for so long?"

"Well," the father chuckles, "On the eve of our wedding, I tossed my jeans over to your mother. When she couldn't get them on I said, 'That's because I wear the trousers in this relationship', and I've managed to keep her in order since."

Shortly after, the man goes home to his soon to be wife and takes his jeans off. He tosses them her and says, "Try these on." She tries them on but they're too big and fall down. "I can't get them on." she says. "That's because I wear the trousers in this relationship!" he chuckles with a triumphant grin.

The woman then takes her knickers off and throws them at the man. "Try these on." The man tries them on and says, "I can't get into them."

"And you never will if you carry on with that attitude." she responds.

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