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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

Mon Jul 31 2017, 17:06
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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

Mon Jul 31 2017, 19:39
bamox




you say that i'm paranoid
but i'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

Fri Aug 04 2017, 16:58
A priest is out fishing with a sailor. He hooks a huge one and with the help of the sailor, lands it. Upon seeing it the sailor explains, "Look at the size of that fucker!" The priest gasped. Thinking on his feet the sailor continued, "Sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called. It's a Fucker Fish."

"Then I shall take this Fucker to the bishop," the priest responds.

The priest goes to the church and says to the bishop, "Have you seen the size of this fucker?"

"Language!" the bishop gasped.

"No you don't understand, that's what they call the fish. It's a Fucker Fish."

"Oh right, well I'll go and clean the Fucker."

The bishop cleans the fish and goes to the Old Lady of the House and says, "Can you cook this fucker for the dinner tonight?"

The Old Lady gasped, "You cannot use such language in the Lords house!"

"No, this fish is called a Fucker Fish."

"Alright, I'll cook this Fucker and I'll tell the butler to serve the fucker. The Pope is coming round for dinner tonight."

So the Pope comes round and the Fucker is served. They all dig in and when finished, the pope said, "That fish was delicious."

"Yes and I caught the Fucker!" the priest boasted.
"And I cleaned the Fucker!" the bishop remarked.
"And I cooked the Fucker!" the Old Lady shouted.
"And I served the Fucker!" the butler quipped.

The Pope took a look at all four and with a slight grin, responded, "You know, you cunts are alright."




"We used to pride ourselves on producing midfield artists in this country. Players like Tony Currie, Alan Hudson, Glenn Hoddle and Paul Gascoigne were just a few English playmakers developed in our clubs - players who could peel an orange with either foot but sadly no longer. What a pleasure then to see an artist at work even if he is a foreigner."

https://gfycat.com/CoolBigheartedGiantschnauzer

https://gfycat.com/AthleticPhonyHylaeosaurus
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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

Sun Aug 06 2017, 01:02
An old gentleman with a walking stick walks into a bar with a pig. He walks up to the bartender and says, "Do you want to see something amazing?"

"Sure," the bartender replies.

"My pig can answer sums in French watch." So he leans over to the pig and says, "What's 7+2?"

"Neuf." the pig replies.

"And he can even do subtraction too, what's 12-3?"

"Neuf."

The bartender jumps in," Hey how is that fair? The answer is just going to be nine every time. Let me ask it a question."

"Sure," the old gentleman replies.

"Okay, whats 4x2?"

The gentleman gets his walking stick and whacks the pig up the rear.

The pig squeals, "HUUUUIIIIIITTTT!!"




"We used to pride ourselves on producing midfield artists in this country. Players like Tony Currie, Alan Hudson, Glenn Hoddle and Paul Gascoigne were just a few English playmakers developed in our clubs - players who could peel an orange with either foot but sadly no longer. What a pleasure then to see an artist at work even if he is a foreigner."

https://gfycat.com/CoolBigheartedGiantschnauzer

https://gfycat.com/AthleticPhonyHylaeosaurus
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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

Mon Aug 07 2017, 23:11
Spoiler:
A man walked into a pet shop when he saw an odd looking parrot in the corner of the store. Upon closer inspection he saw that the parrot had no feet and no legs. "Geez," the man said, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I'm defective," the parrot replied, "I was born like this."

"Wow, you understood what I was saying." the man gasped.

"Every word. I'm actually a thoroughly educated, highly intelligent bird. "

"Oh yeah, well answer me this. How do you manage to stay on your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot responded rather coyly, "It's highly embarrassing but since you asked, I'll tell you. I actually wrap my willy like a hook around the bar I'm perched on. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," the man said amazed, "You really can understand English, can't you?"

"Actually I'm fluent in Spanish and French as well," the parrot boasted, "and I know a little bit of Russian. My knowledge is actually well rounded. I can discuss anything competently: sport, music, politics, philosophy, religion. In fact I have a very subtle knowledge on 18th century classical composers. You should buy me, I'd be a great companion."

The man looked at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, I can't afford to pay that amount of money."

"Look," the parrot whispered, "I'm defective. No one wants to buy me. Make the guy an offer. If you offer him £20 he will likely accept."

So the man offers the pet shop owner £20 for the parrot, he accepts and the two go on their merry way. Weeks go by and the two become inseparable. The parrot is highly thoughtful, has a great sense of humour, sympathetic and understands everything. He is a great companion.

One day the man came home from work and the parrot signaled him over with his wing. "Psst," the parrot said, "I don't know if I should tell you this but I have something I would like to share with you. It's about your wife and the postman."

"What do you mean?" asked the man.

"Well when the postman came to the door to deliver your parcel, your wife greeted him in her dressing gown. The postman invited himself in, kissed her and slowly took her gown off."

"WHAT?" the man exclaimed incredulously, "THEN what happened?"

"Your wife had some see through lingerie on. The postman patted your wife down and slowly took her lingerie off."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "THEN what?"

"Then he slowly lowered your wife down to pelvic height, began playfully toying with your wife's hair and then..."

"WELL?" interrupted the frantic man. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

NSFW




"We used to pride ourselves on producing midfield artists in this country. Players like Tony Currie, Alan Hudson, Glenn Hoddle and Paul Gascoigne were just a few English playmakers developed in our clubs - players who could peel an orange with either foot but sadly no longer. What a pleasure then to see an artist at work even if he is a foreigner."

https://gfycat.com/CoolBigheartedGiantschnauzer

https://gfycat.com/AthleticPhonyHylaeosaurus
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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

Tue Aug 08 2017, 11:08
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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

Thu Feb 18 2021, 10:47
There was once a man who was born with a single testicle and everywhere he went, bad luck seemed to rain down on him. One day he was on board a flight when unfortunately the plane began to malfunction and one passenger had to be thrown out to reduce the weight. Each passenger on the flight drew straws and the man, unfortunately, drew the short straw. "No, I am not accepting this!" he yelled, aghast, "I have been unlucky all of my life and I refuse to let it dictate the end of my days!"

The other passengers shrugged and proceeded to draw straws a second time. Again, the man drew the short straw and again the man protested the outcome. They proceeded to draw straws a third time and yet again  the man drew short. He demanded that they draw straws a 4th time, which they did, and once again, he picked the short straw. This time he looked at all the passengers and said, "Fine. I will accept the outcome and jump out of the plane on one condition: You have to guess correctly how many testicles both me and the man in front of me have put together."

The other passengers looked at each other slightly bewildered, and with a hint of bemusement in their tone, uttered, "Well, four of course!"

The man scanned the passengers' bewildered faces and stood there triumphantly, and with a hearty, uproarious chuckle, he proceeded to throw his pants onto the ground and guffawed, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE ALL WRONG! LOOK!" revealing his lone, proud, single testicle. The man in front of him then proceeded to pull his pants down.

He had three testicles.




"We used to pride ourselves on producing midfield artists in this country. Players like Tony Currie, Alan Hudson, Glenn Hoddle and Paul Gascoigne were just a few English playmakers developed in our clubs - players who could peel an orange with either foot but sadly no longer. What a pleasure then to see an artist at work even if he is a foreigner."

https://gfycat.com/CoolBigheartedGiantschnauzer

https://gfycat.com/AthleticPhonyHylaeosaurus
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Jokes Thread - Page 7 Empty Re: Jokes Thread

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