Jokes Thread

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Honda Flashurai on Mon Jul 31 2017, 17:06

dry
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by lumi on Mon Jul 31 2017, 19:39

bamox




who cares if one more light goes out in a sky of a million stars?
it flickers, flickers
who cares when someones time runs out if a moment is all we are?
we're quicker, quicker
who cares if one more light goes out?
well, i do
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Fri Aug 04 2017, 16:58

A priest is out fishing with a sailor. He hooks a huge one and with the help of the sailor, lands it. Upon seeing it the sailor explains, "Look at the size of that fucker!" The priest gasped. Thinking on his feet the sailor continued, "Sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called. It's a Fucker Fish."

"Then I shall take this Fucker to the bishop," the priest responds.

The priest goes to the church and says to the bishop, "Have you seen the size of this fucker?"

"Language!" the bishop gasped.

"No you don't understand, that's what they call the fish. It's a Fucker Fish."

"Oh right, well I'll go and clean the Fucker."

The bishop cleans the fish and goes to the Old Lady of the House and says, "Can you cook this fucker for the dinner tonight?"

The Old Lady gasped, "You cannot use such language in the Lords house!"

"No, this fish is called a Fucker Fish."

"Alright, I'll cook this Fucker and I'll tell the butler to serve the fucker. The Pope is coming round for dinner tonight."

So the Pope comes round and the Fucker is served. They all dig in and when finished, the pope said, "That fish was delicious."

"Yes and I caught the Fucker!" the priest boasted.
"And I cleaned the Fucker!" the bishop remarked.
"And I cooked the Fucker!" the Old Lady shouted.
"And I served the Fucker!" the butler quipped.

The Pope took a look at all four and with a slight grin, responded, "You know, you cunts are alright."




"We used to pride ourselves on producing midfield artists in this country. Players like Tony Currie, Alan Hudson, Glenn Hoddle and Paul Gascoigne were just a few English playmakers developed in our clubs - players who could peel an orange with either foot but sadly no longer. What a pleasure then to see an artist at work even if he is a foreigner."

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sun Aug 06 2017, 01:02

An old gentleman with a walking stick walks into a bar with a pig. He walks up to the bartender and says, "Do you want to see something amazing?"

"Sure," the bartender replies.

"My pig can answer sums in French watch." So he leans over to the pig and says, "What's 7+2?"

"Neuf." the pig replies.

"And he can even do subtraction too, what's 12-3?"

"Neuf."

The bartender jumps in," Hey how is that fair? The answer is just going to be nine every time. Let me ask it a question."

"Sure," the old gentleman replies.

"Okay, whats 4x2?"

The gentleman gets his walking stick and whacks the pig up the rear.

The pig squeals, "HUUUUIIIIIITTTT!!"




"We used to pride ourselves on producing midfield artists in this country. Players like Tony Currie, Alan Hudson, Glenn Hoddle and Paul Gascoigne were just a few English playmakers developed in our clubs - players who could peel an orange with either foot but sadly no longer. What a pleasure then to see an artist at work even if he is a foreigner."

https://gfycat.com/CoolBigheartedGiantschnauzer

https://gfycat.com/AthleticPhonyHylaeosaurus
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Aug 07 2017, 23:11

Spoiler:
A man walked into a pet shop when he saw an odd looking parrot in the corner of the store. Upon closer inspection he saw that the parrot had no feet and no legs. "Geez," the man said, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I'm defective," the parrot replied, "I was born like this."

"Wow, you understood what I was saying." the man gasped.

"Every word. I'm actually a thoroughly educated, highly intelligent bird. "

"Oh yeah, well answer me this. How do you manage to stay on your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot responded rather coyly, "It's highly embarrassing but since you asked, I'll tell you. I actually wrap my willy like a hook around the bar I'm perched on. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," the man said amazed, "You really can understand English, can't you?"

"Actually I'm fluent in Spanish and French as well," the parrot boasted, "and I know a little bit of Russian. My knowledge is actually well rounded. I can discuss anything competently: sport, music, politics, philosophy, religion. In fact I have a very subtle knowledge on 18th century classical composers. You should buy me, I'd be a great companion."

The man looked at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, I can't afford to pay that amount of money."

"Look," the parrot whispered, "I'm defective. No one wants to buy me. Make the guy an offer. If you offer him £20 he will likely accept."

So the man offers the pet shop owner £20 for the parrot, he accepts and the two go on their merry way. Weeks go by and the two become inseparable. The parrot is highly thoughtful, has a great sense of humour, sympathetic and understands everything. He is a great companion.

One day the man came home from work and the parrot signaled him over with his wing. "Psst," the parrot said, "I don't know if I should tell you this but I have something I would like to share with you. It's about your wife and the postman."

"What do you mean?" asked the man.

"Well when the postman came to the door to deliver your parcel, your wife greeted him in her dressing gown. The postman invited himself in, kissed her and slowly took her gown off."

"WHAT?" the man exclaimed incredulously, "THEN what happened?"

"Your wife had some see through lingerie on. The postman patted your wife down and slowly took her lingerie off."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "THEN what?"

"Then he slowly lowered your wife down to pelvic height, began playfully toying with your wife's hair and then..."

"WELL?" interrupted the frantic man. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

NSFW




"We used to pride ourselves on producing midfield artists in this country. Players like Tony Currie, Alan Hudson, Glenn Hoddle and Paul Gascoigne were just a few English playmakers developed in our clubs - players who could peel an orange with either foot but sadly no longer. What a pleasure then to see an artist at work even if he is a foreigner."

https://gfycat.com/CoolBigheartedGiantschnauzer

https://gfycat.com/AthleticPhonyHylaeosaurus
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by The Doctor on Tue Aug 08 2017, 11:08

"I'm good at hax" - skizar
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Re: Jokes Thread

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