Jokes Thread

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by dooms on Thu Aug 06 2015, 19:21

knock knock





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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Fri Aug 07 2015, 23:28

There's a religious convention in town where all men and women of different faiths meet up and discuss/promote their religions. An agnostic man walks into the convention and he reads this sign which says, 'Pay £10 and four men from four different religions will predict your future!' The man was intrigued, paid the £10 and walked into a room that only had a chair in it. He sat down and a Christian walks in and says, "The Lord God and the Holy Jesus Christ says that you will walk today!" The man smiles as a Muslim man then walks into the room. "The Great Allah and the Prophet Muhammed says that you will walk today!" The man rolls his eyes a bit as a Buddhist then walks in. "The great Buddha says that you will walk today!" The man has a scowl on his face and says, "Look, I can walk." Finally a Sikh walks into the room and says, "The great Guru Granth Sahib says that you will walk today!" 

"WELL TELL THE GURU HE'S AN IDIOT!" The man snapped back, "LOOK, I CAN CLEARLY WALK!" And he makes his way out of the door, out of the convention, onto the car park only to see that his car's been stolen.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Oct 03 2015, 03:33

What's the difference between a fish, a piano and a tube of glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish!
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Sugar Ray on Sat Oct 03 2015, 04:03





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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Tue Feb 09 2016, 21:05

A man walks into a bar with a labrador. The bartender shouts, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man responds, "It's my seeing eye dog." The bartender apologizes profusely and says, "Look, this one's on me." The man takes a seat near the bar entrance and enjoys his drink.

A little while later, another man walks in with a chihuahua. The first man taps him on the shoulder and whispers, "Look, he's not going to let you bring that in here unless you tell him it's a seeing eye dog."

The man approaches the bar and the bartender shouts, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

"It's my seeing eye dog."

"Yeah, I hardly believe that they gave you a chihuahua as a seeing eye dog!"

"Wait what? They gave me a chihuahua???"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Tue Feb 09 2016, 23:05

A doctor, struggling to find work, opens up a clinic with a sign that says, 'DOCTORS CLINIC. £500 IF WE CAN CURE YOU, WE GIVE YOU £1000 IF WE CAN'T'.

A lawyer reads the sign and senses that he can make a quick buck from the place, so he walks in and says, "Doc, I've lost my taste."

"Not to worry sir," the doctor replies, "Nurse, get the medicine out of Box 22 and give him three drips."

The nurse gives him the three drips and the lawyer shrieks, "UGH! That's gasoline!"

"Congratulations you've got your sense of taste back, that will be £500."

The lawyer pays the money and storms out. The next day he walks back in and says, "Hey doc, I've lost my memory, I can't remember a thing!"

The doctor replies, "Nurse, get that medicine out of Box 22 and give this man three drips."

So the nurse gives him the three drips and the lawyer shrieks, "What the hell? That's the same gasoline you gave me yesterday!"

"Congratulations you have your memory back, that will be £500."

The lawyer slams the money into his hand and storms off. Determined to get his £1000 back, he comes back in a week later and says, "Doc, I've lost my sight."

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "I'm afraid we have no cure, here's £1000." The doctor hands him a bunch of notes equating to £500 and the lawyer replies, "Hey, there's only £500 here!"

"Congratulations, you have your sight back, that will be £500."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by nero on Fri Feb 12 2016, 01:51

attention spawn to short for the long ones corn
but here is a short one:

what happened when zlatan ran into a wall with a hard on? Mischief
Spoiler:
he broke his nose  

jajajajajaja
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Fri Feb 12 2016, 09:29

@corn wrote:What's the difference between a fish, a piano and a tube of glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish!

wait where does the tube of glue come into this
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Yawn on Fri Feb 12 2016, 12:58

@Rénbeaudach wrote:
@corn wrote:What's the difference between a fish, a piano and a tube of glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish!

wait where does the tube of glue come into this

We knew someone would get stuck on this cat alien pig

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Fri Feb 12 2016, 13:49

@Yawn wrote:
@Rénbeaudach wrote:
@corn wrote:What's the difference between a fish, a piano and a tube of glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish!

wait where does the tube of glue come into this

We knew someone would get stuck on this cat alien pig
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Fri Feb 12 2016, 14:03

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Fri Feb 12 2016, 14:40

A man walks into a bar in California with a huge grin on his face. The bartender sees him and asks, "What's with the huge grin on your face?"

"I'm just so high on life," the man responds, "I'm 29 and almost 30 and just thought, screw it. I'm from New York and had a decent, steady life there, but have always wanted to live in California so I just decided one day, last week actually, to up sticks and move down here. I've just got my dream job and have a new girlfriend who is easily a 10/10. Life couldn't get any better!"

"Wow," the bartender replies, "It takes some huge balls to move from a steady life into unknown territory."

"That's the thing," the man replies, "I don't have any balls!"

"What?"

"Yeah. When I was 25 I started getting huge headaches, migraines even and kept getting these for almost three years. I went to the doctors and he said that the reason for my headaches was down to my balls. He said that the headaches would go if I had an operation to get them removed. I weighed up the pros and cons but decided that a life in pain is no life at all so had them removed. The headaches went and this is partly the reason why I made the move down here. I realised that anything can happen in life so you should do the things you want to do whilst you are still around."

"Wow, what an incredible story! Look, have a drink on the house." So the man stays there for a few hours and goes home. He comes back the same day wearing the same clothes he wore the previous day.

"Hey, aren't those the same clothes you wore yesterday?" The bartender asks.

"Well these are the only clothes I have," the man replies, "It was a rushed move."

"Well I'm good friends with a tailor who often comes here. I'l have a word with him and see if he can make you some new clothes, free of charge." The man is astounded at the bartender's generosity and takes a seat in the bar. The tailor comes in a bit later and takes a seat and the bartender is seen whispering to him. The tailor signals for the man to come over and says, "So I hear you need some clothes?"

"Sure do."

"Well I just need you to give me some measurements."

"Well for my trousers I'm a 32 waist and a 34 height."

The tailor measures him himself, "Uh, you mean a 32 height?"

"No, I've been a 34 height for as long as I can remember."

"No, you're definitely a 32, I mean wow, wearing 34 height trousers is really going to push your balls right up. Will give you some serious headaches, migraines even."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Sugar Ray on Fri Feb 12 2016, 15:32

That post is bigger then the 5th harry potter book




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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Fri Feb 12 2016, 15:44

Sugar Loompa wrote:That post is bigger then the 5th harry potter book

By far the worst joke in the thread
Why cant we get rid of him already
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by nero on Fri Feb 12 2016, 17:26

@Gjonaj wrote:
Sugar Loompa wrote:That post is bigger then the 5th harry potter book

By far the worst joke in the thread
Why cant we get rid of him already

Gjonaj top hardcore harry patter fan boy 4 life or why mad??? tongue
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Fri Feb 12 2016, 18:33

A group of church ministers set up their own bowling team. What do they call themselves?

They call themselves 'The Holy Rollers'.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Feb 13 2016, 14:05

A vegan is driving along a small countryside road on a peaceful Saturday afternoon in his jeep. Suddenly, a small rabbit jumps out in the middle of the road. The vegan sees it and slams on the breaks and skids from side to side in order to try and avoid hitting the rabbit, but SPLAT! the tyres catch the rabbit and the wheel of the jeep crushes it.

The vegan leaps out of his car and sees the state of the poor bunny.  He puts his hands over his face and sobs uncontrollably at the thought of committing murder. Then, a small Ford Focus arrives and a salesman gets out of the car. He sees the man and asks, "What's wrong?"

"I've just killed this delicate creature!" The man wails, "God's creation! It just hopped into the middle of the road and I tried to avoid it, I swear I did, but I killed it. I've committed murder and it's all my fault."

"Now, now, not to worry," the salesman says whilst consoling him, "Wait here." So the salesman opens up the boot of his car and rummages around for a couple of minutes and comes back out with an aerosol can. At this point, the man is standing over the rabbit. The salesman sprays the rabbit with the can and it twitches. He sprays it again and it flops over then remains still. He then continuously sprays the rabbit for approximately two minutes and suddenly it rises, smiles at the pair, gives a friendly wave and proceeds to hop down the countryside road.

"That's amazing!" The man exclaims as they watch the rabbit hop off, then turn around and wave at the pair. They continue to watch the rabbit hop off into the sunset, turning around and waving after each couple of hops. When the rabbit is out of view, the man exclaims, "What is in that can? You could make millions selling this!"

The salesman smiles and says, "Hair restorer with permanent wave."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Feb 13 2016, 23:04

A man walks into a Mexican restaurant and sits down. When he sits down, a bowl of tortilla chips says to him, "Hey there friend, you look handsome." The man ignores the chips and orders a drink. The waiter tells the man that they don't have any drinks in stock and that the only drink he can have at the moment is water, so he goes ahead and asks for some water. When the water arrives, it says, "Hey, you look like you've been hit by a bus!"

The man orders his meal, Enchiladas. When the order was processed, the chips say, "Enchiladas, what a great choice for a meal! You're a smart man!" whilst the water says, "Only someone as dumb as you would order Enchiladas." The man starts to freak out and signals for the waiter to come over. The waiter comes over and the man says, "Hey waiter, these tortilla chips and my glass of water keep talking to me!"

The waiter replies, "Don't worry, the chips are complimentary, but the drinks are out of order."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Sat Feb 13 2016, 23:37

News in it was Gred who robbed this guy


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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sun Feb 14 2016, 14:40

A man is driving along a dirt road when the car suddenly stops. He gets out of his car, opens the front, looks at the engine whilst scratching his head when a voice says, "It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone or anything in sight so he continues to look at the engine when the voice again says, "It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."

The man looks around to see a white horse staring back at him, "It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."

Astonished, the man follows the horse's instructions. He unscrews the wing-nut, takes out the carburetor and gives it a swift kick with his heel. Sure enough, a little dirt falls off. He puts it back in, turns the key and the car immediately starts again. The man, bewildered at this point shouts, "Thank you!" to which the horse replies, "No problem, you're very welcome!"

The man drives off, looking for the nearest pub. When he arrives, he orders a beer, chugs it down, immediately orders another beer, chugs that down then orders another beer. The bartender then says, "Hey, slow down. What's the rush? What happened?"

"I've just had the craziest experience!" the man responds, "I was driving along a dirt road when my car stops. I heard this voice telling me that my carburetor needed cleaning. I looked around and saw a white horse. It turns out that this horse was the one that was doing the talking. I followed his advice and my car now works. Crazy!"

The bartender laughed. "You got lucky there!"

"Lucky?" the man responds, "I just met a talking white horse and you are saying that I was lucky?"

"Yeah, you're lucky it was the white one," the bartender replies, "There's also a black horse in that pasture and he don't know shit about cars."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Feb 15 2016, 22:19

A man joins an order of monks. When he joins, the monk elder says, "This is a silent order. As part of the rules of the order, you may only speak two words every ten years." The man obeys.

10 years pass and the monk elder says, "10 years have passed, do you have anything to say?" The man replies, "Porridge cold!"

Another 10 years pass and the monk elder says, "10 years have passed, do you have anything to say?" The man replies, "Bed hard!"

Another 10 years pass and the monk elder says, "10 years have passed, do you have anything to say?" The man replies, "I quit!"

The monk elder breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Thank goodness! Ever since you got here, all you've done is complain!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Tue Feb 16 2016, 16:29

A man from a small Irish village takes a trip to Dublin. It's the first time he's ever left the small village so he decides that he wants to take home a souvenir to remember the trip by. He walks into an antiques shop and picks up a mirror. "Dat looks like me fadder." he says, thinking it's a painting. So he buys the mirror, takes it home and hangs it in his shed. Every day, he spends hours upon hours looking at the mirror admiring what he thinks is a painting of his father. His wife notices that he's always away and thinks that he's being unfaithful to her, so one day whilst he's out and about she sneaks outside, walks towards the shed, opens the door, sees the mirror and says, "I knew it, and she's a damn ugly one as well!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Tue Feb 16 2016, 17:43

A man on holiday takes a visit to the local bakery.

Alas, he finds it in a horrible mess, and he goes into the back room to find the baker quite brazenly imprinting round the edges of the pies with his false teeth.

Horrified the man asks, 'Don't you have a tool for that?!'

'Aye,' the baker replies, 'but I use that for me doughnuts!'
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Tue Feb 16 2016, 19:12

A chemist walks into a bar. He sees a group of other chemists who he works with and says to both the bartender and the chemists, "Gentlemen, tonight, all the drinks are on me!"

The chemists woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Wow, well you must have had a good day at work today then."

"Fantastic!" the chemist responds with a grin reaching from one cheek to the other, "Today, I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms and a sulfur atom!"

The bartender takes a step back in shock, "W-wow!" he replies, "That's BaNaNaS!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

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