Jokes Thread

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Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Jul 11 2015, 01:30

Post jokes here!
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Lloyd Banks on Sat Jul 11 2015, 02:00

deez nuts
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Jul 11 2015, 02:16

A recently released convict is in the bar with a friend when the friend asks him, "So how was your time in prison then?"

"Well," the recently released convict replies, "I have mixed feelings about the place. I was in there with the worst of the worst. I shared cells with murderers, rapists and thieves, men who have done despicable crimes and are paying for them with their lives. On the other hand though, the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature I have ever seen. I don't know, it had its prose and cons."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by frez on Sat Jul 11 2015, 08:21

i know a joke

frez




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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Sat Jul 11 2015, 11:02

You know at the end of the Sino-Japanese War the Japanese Army had more than 100,000 of the enemy fighting behind their front lines.

I suppose you could say they had quite a few chinks in their armour.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Jul 11 2015, 17:15

A lawyer is driving to work in his brand new sports car. He pulls up just outside a store and opens his car door when a huge lorry drives past, pulling the door clean off its hinges. The lawyer frantically dials 911 and a cop comes by shortly after. The cop files a report of the incident and as he does so, he says, "You know what I hate about you lawyers? You're all so materialistic. You care more about your possessions than you do about yourself." The lawyer at this point is irate and retorts, "Materialistic? This car cost me $150,000 and you have the cheek to call me materialistic?" "Well," the cop replied, "you've cared so much about the state of your car that you haven't even noticed that your arms come off!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Sat Jul 11 2015, 17:24

A man goes in to see his doctor. Immediately the first thing the doc says to his patient is, "Well first of all, you have to stop masturbating".
"Why?", asks the man; the doctor replies,
"So I can examine you!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Jul 11 2015, 18:04

There's a retired American lawyer that was touted as one of the best in the business. Nowadays he just relaxes and spends the summer months in Arizona soaking up the sun. During his summer breaks, he invites prominent lawyers from around the world to come join him for company and tuition. This particular year, a Czech lawyer gets the invite and he flies over to Arizona the next day.

One day the two decide to go hunting in the woods nearby. As they delve deeper in the woods, the surroundings get darker and the trees become more populous. They manage to break into a clearing when, unbeknown to them, two bears are sneaking up on the pair. As they get closer, the American lawyer turns around, sees the pair, and makes a run for it, however the Czech isn't so lucky and is swallowed whole by one of the bears.

The American lawyer shortly arrives at the local sheriff department and says, "Me and my Czech friend were both out hunting when a bear swallowed him whole. I'm a lawyer so if you don't help him, I will sue you!" The sheriff sighs and follows the lawyer into the woods.

As they get through the woods, they get darker and the trees become more populous. They then break into the clearing and they see that the bears are still around. "That one!" he shouts pointing to a male bear, "That's the one who ate my friend." The sheriff takes aim and BANG! drops the female bear. The other bear, hearing the shot scampers off into the woods. "What was that? You shot the wrong bear!"

The sheriff replies, "You're a lawyer, so I didn't believe you when you said that there was a Czech in the male."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Jul 11 2015, 21:40

It was 1819 and a young Abraham Lincoln was frolicking around in a field when his grandmother came out and said, "Abe, you're not ever going to be president of the US if you're just gonna be frolicking in that field all day!"
 
"But I've done all my chores Gran."

"No, you can start preparing dinner," and she goes into the house and brings out two huge baskets, one containing apples and one containing sweetcorn. "I want you to chop those apples and peel that corn before 5pm."
So Abe gets to work with his Gran monitoring him on occasion. Abe wasn't very skilled with a knife and took his sweet time with the chopping and peeling. Hours passed and his grandmother says, "It's 5pm and you still haven't chopped all those apples and peeled all that corn!"
Abe responds, "But Gran, I've only got four cores and seven ears to go!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Jul 13 2015, 17:57

A defense lawyer calls a doctor up to the stand.

Lawyer: So are you certain that the victim was dead when he arrived on your table?

Doctor: Yes.

Lawyer: Did you check his blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check his temperature?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check his pulse?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: So how did you know that the victim was dead?

Doctor: I had his brain in a jar on my desk.

Lawyer: So what you are saying is that you are absolutely 100% certain that the victim was dead?

Doctor: No, he might still be alive practicing law somewhere.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Mon Jul 13 2015, 18:19

My neighbour's cat Minton always manages to keep swallowing my shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton...
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Swift on Mon Jul 13 2015, 18:23

@Rénbeaudach wrote:My neighbour's cat Minton always manages to keep swallowing my shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton...


STFU Evil or Very Mad

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Ghost on Mon Jul 13 2015, 18:26

Dad Jokes.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Jul 13 2015, 20:49

A dying preacher makes a request to have both his lawyer and his doctor beside him during his final days. They both walk in and the doctor holds his left hand and the lawyer, his right hand. As they held his hands, they started to think about his many teachings from the Bible, feeling more guilty about their sins as each second passes. After 10 minutes, the lawyer says to the preacher, "Why did you ask me and the doctor to come along and support you during your dying days?"

The preacher responds, "Jesus died between two thieves and I want to go the same way."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 13 2015, 21:20

does anyone honestly find these jokes funny
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Jul 13 2015, 21:56

chuckdog wrote:does anyone honestly find these jokes funny

yeah it's my kind of humour.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Lloyd Banks on Mon Jul 13 2015, 22:02

This is how I imagine hesur to look

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 13 2015, 22:14

hesur irl

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Lloyd Banks on Mon Jul 13 2015, 22:19

L0000000000000L #1 post on premierhax, close the fucking league.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by dooms on Mon Jul 13 2015, 22:23

i have a jk



momo eats rats





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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Jul 13 2015, 23:22

So there's this midget called Alan who is a member of his local golf club. One day he approaches the clubs best player, a seasoned pro who has played in all the major tournaments and says, "I bet you £100 that I can beat you in a 9 hole game." The pro looks at him skeptically, thinking he cannot be serious. Alan continues, "However, since there's an obvious gulf in class between us two, I should be allowed to have an advantage.I am allowed to have two 'gotchas'. In fact I'll use my first gotcha on the first hole." The pro, wondering what a gotcha is, thinks that he's still got a huge advantage over him, especially if he's using one of his gotchas on the first hole, so he agrees to the bet.

A few hours later, a few of the club regulars see the pro forfeiting money. The pro had lost to Alan.

When the pro arrived in the clubhouse, the other golfers rush towards him, "What happened mate?"

"Well, I was about to take my first shot when Alan slid his hand up my trousers, yanked me hard and yelled GOTCHA!" The other golfers were in shock. The pro continued, "Well you try playing the rest of the holes waiting for that second gotcha."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Tue Jul 14 2015, 00:24

There's a man down where I live who's very particular about his drink. He's an outrageous boozer but the only pub he'll ever visit is the one called the Queen's Legs.
I remember seeing him get quite flustered when he'd turned up ten minutes early before said establishment opened. When a passerby asked him what he was doing just standing around on the pavement he shouted back, "Can't you see I'm waiting for the Queen's Legs to open up so I can have a drink?"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Tue Jul 14 2015, 01:01

Four old high school chums, Johnny, Peter, Mark and Jim are having a meetup after 30 years of not seeing each other. Being all huge golf fanatics, they head over to a local golf course. Johnny excuses himself to go to the bathroom and whilst he's in the bathroom, the other three men start bragging about their sons.

"My son is an excellent builder," says Peter, "In fact he's so skilled and successful in his work, that he built a 5 bedroomed house for one of his new friends for free."

"My son is the CEO of a major car company," says Mark, "In fact he recently gave one of his new friends one of their newest models for free."

"My son knows the stock market inside out," says Jim, "In fact he knows it that well, he was able to build up a portfolio of $1,000,000 worth of shares and gave it to one of his new friends for free."

Just then, Johnny comes back from the bathroom and Peter says to him, "So what does your son do Johnny?"

"Well my son recently announced that he's gay and works as a stripper at a local gay bar."

The three men start howling in laughter. Johnny continued, "However, he's doing pretty well for himself, in fact he recently got a new 5 bedroomed house, a new car and $1,000,000 worth of shares from his new friends for free!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by noj on Tue Jul 14 2015, 10:36

These are jokes?

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Re: Jokes Thread

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