Re: Jokes Thread

[cornAdministrator]

Three men with heavy Brooklyn accents turn up to a fancy dress party where the theme is 'Emotions'. They knock on the door and the party host answers. When the party host opens the door, he sees the three men staring back at him; one wearing a frock, one wearing a fruit costume and one who's naked with only a dessert covering his private parts.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" the party host asks.

"We have come to your party." one of the men respond.

"Oh yeah, did you see that this party is fancy dress and that the theme is emotions?"

"Aye, I'm in distress!" the man with the frock responds. The host breaths a heavy sigh and lets him in.

"Aye, aye, aye! I'm in despair!" the man wearing a fruit costume then says. The host breaths in an even heavier sigh and lets him in.

He then looks at the man who is wearing nothing but has a dessert covering his private parts and says, "Ok, those two may have had an excuse, but you certainly don't!"

The man responds, "What? I'm fucking disgusted!"

[cornAdministrator]

So there's this guy called Dave who claims that everyone knows who he is, and every day, he brags about this at work. One day in the canteen, he's bragging again about his to his boss, "Hey boss, you do know that I know everyone there is to know in this world?" The boss decides that enough is enough and says, "Ok then, prove it. I've nothing on this afternoon anyway."

"Ok then, who would you like to go and see?"

"Uh, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Ah Tom, me and him go way back."

So they get on the next flight down to LA, drive down into Beverley Hills, pole up at this huge house and knock on the door. The door opens and sure enough, Tom Cruise is standing there. "Dave!" he exclaims, "Long time no see! Come in, grab a beer, we need to catch up!" So the pair stay for a few hours chatting and upon leaving the boss says, "Ok Dave, that's purely coincidence that you know Tom Cruise."

"Ok then, lets meet someone else. Who would you like to go and see?"

The boss thinks for a minute and says, "President Obama."

"Ah Obama. He's actually in Vancouver on a skiing holiday right now, lets go and pay him a visit." So they fly over to Vancouver, go to the skiing resort and sure enough, there's Obama in the guest house supping a hot cup of cocoa. He looks over and exclaims, "Dave! What's up? Great timing, I was just about to fly back home after finishing this cup of cocoa, but I can catch the next flight no problem. Let's chat!" So the pair stay in Obama's company for a few hours and upon leaving the boss says, "Ok, I still believe that it's coincidence that you know these people."

"Ok then, let's go and see somebody else. Who do you want to see?"

So the boss thinks long and hard for the most secretive person he can think of and shouts, "Let's go and see The Pope!"

"Ah the Pope, sure, let's go and see him." So they fly out to Rome and go to the Vatican Square where they see the Pope atop a balcony waving at the crowd. Dave then approaches the building of which the Pope is atop of and says, "Don't worry, these guards know who I am, they will let me through!" and sure enough, they let him go up. So after a few minutes, Dave arrives at the top of the building with the Pope, waving and smiling at the crowd. After a few minutes, he comes back down to see that his boss has fainted, so he shouts for the Pope to pass him some holy water to revive him ,which he does, and sure enough after pouring the liquid onto him, the boss recovers. "What happened boss?" Dave exclaimed. "Well I was doing just fine until you went up there with the Pope," the boss responds, "then the woman at the side of me shouted, 'Who the fuck is that guy up there next to Dave?"

[cornAdministrator]

A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot all die and get sent to heaven. When they arrive, they see both St. Peter and the Devil standing there. St. Peter clears his throat and says, "Gentlemen. We're a bit cramped up here in Heaven at the moment so we can only let a select few in. Give us a question and if we can't answer it correctly, you can come into Heaven."

The philosopher jumps ahead eagerly and volunteers, "Ok, do you know all of Socrates' most complex teachings?" The Devil scribbles on a piece of paper and presents it to the philosopher. He reluctantly concludes that it's correct and is banished to Hell.

The mathematician then steps up, "Can you give me the most complicated mathematical equation for the cube root of 9349298291?" The Devil again scribbles on a piece of paper and presents it to the mathematician. He reluctantly concludes that it's correct and is banished to Hell.

The idiot then comes forward, "Can you drill seven holes on that chair?" The Devils obliges and drills seven holes on the chair he was sitting on. The idiot then sits on it and lets rip a huge fart. He then says, "So which hole did I fart out of?" The Devil thinks for a minute and says, "The second hole from the right."

"No," he replies, "From my asshole." They both conclude that he is correct and the idiot was sent to Heaven.

[cornAdministrator]

A border collie runs over to his master, "Master, I've herded all 50 of your sheep!"

The master scratches his head, "But I only have 48 sheep."

"I know," the collie replied, "but I rounded them up!"

[cornAdministrator]

President Obama and Vladimir Putin are having a meeting in Moscow. They discuss their respective society's morals and values and which country upholds these the best.

"All the Russians are alcoholics, how can you say that your society is more progressive?" asks Obama.

"What? That's a myth," Putin responds, "Look, I bet there's not even a single drunk out in Moscow tonight."

"I don't believe you. I bet if we took your limo out for a spin we'd spot some drunks."

"Ok, let me prove you wrong. Here's my gun. If you see any drunk Russians, feel free to shoot."

So Putin lets the FSB know about what he's doing and tells them to do a sweep and collect every single drunk person they find and remove them from the street. He tells them if Obama spots a single drunk he will deport them all to the Crimea.

So Obama and Putin drive around Moscow in Putin's limo. They drive around for 10 minutes and don't spot a single person, never mind a drunk. Just as they are about to end their search, a Russian man staggers out of an apartment merrily singing an old Russian folk song. Obama takes aim and shoots him.

"Look I told you Vlad, all the Russians are drunks!"

Putin meets again with Obama 6 months later in Washington. They discuss their respective society's morals and values again and discuss which country is progressing the best.

"I bet there are more drunks in the US than there are in Russia." says Putin.

"Look, ok, I don't want to argue about this again. Take a spin out in my limo and if you see any drunks, shoot them with my gun."

So Obama rings up the Secret Service and lets them know what they are doing. He tells them to make sure that there's no drunks on the streets or else their state pension would be severely reduced.

So Obama and Putin go for a spin in the limo around Washington and again, there's not a soul in sight. 10 minutes in, they're about to head back when 20 drunk men stagger out of a bar. Putin takes aim and mows them all down.

"Look Obama, I told you, there's more drunks in the US than there are in Russia. Looks like Russia is the most progressive country!"

The next morning, Vladimir Putin is sitting at a table, sipping a coffee when one of his representatives hands him a newspaper. He picks it up and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting.

[cornAdministrator]

One day a goat is scratching around in a field looking for fresh grass to chew. He sees a raised mound of dirt, chews it and CLUNK! bites something hard that almost crushes his teeth. He pulls the object out of the ground to see that it's an old lamp. He gives the lamp a swift kick and lo and behold, a genie pops out. "Thank you for releasing me," the genie says, "As a reward, I will grant you one wish." The goat thinks for a minute and says, "Well I have always wanted to be a man."

"Then a man you shall be!" exclaims the genie and SHAZOW! the goat was now a human being. Then the genie continues, "Work like no other man has worked before. Care like no man has ever cared before and love like no other man has loved before. If you can do these things, you will live a fruitful life." And with that, the genie vanishes in a puff of smoke.

The man then begins his life of work. He becomes a warehouse operative for a few years whilst he gets his life sorted out. He then takes a plumbing class and becomes a plumber. A series of other jobs then follow such as sales assistant, joiner, builder, cook, firefighter, glassblower, zookeeper, paramedic, journalist, plasterer, janitor, housekeeper, police officer, mechanic, waiter, bartender, welder, receptionist, store greeter and personal trainer. After 50 years of constant graft he felt that his body could no longer cope with the stresses of the working life so he retired and bought a farm with his savings. With the rest of the cash he bought goats, sheep, cows, horses, pigs, chickens, ducks, rabbits, geese and a trusty old canine which he called Rex. He looked after all of his animals and treated them all like they were his own sons. No animal on his farm was ever sent to the slaughter and no animal was ever sheared or milked.

A woman passed the farm every day whilst walking her dog. The dog had a limp and was blind in one eye, however it could keep up with the woman and enjoyed its walks, however it always needed a rest and did so aside a large tree on the farm. The woman always saw the man looking after his animals and admired how he treated every animal the same way. They eventually engaged in small talk, which quickly turned into full blown conversations. Even Rex, the trusty old canine started to play with the woman's dog and both the man and the woman enjoyed watching them run around. The woman would often allow the man to look after her dog whilst she went to work or went to visit relatives and the dog enjoyed being in his company. After many months, the man felt attracted to the woman and felt that they shared an obvious spark, so one day whilst they were engaging in idle chit chat, he invited her and the dog to come and live on the farm with him and move into the spare room in his farmhouse, to which she happily agreed. After a few months of sleeping in the spare room, she began sleeping in the mans bed; their affection for one another growing day by day. After a few years of living together, he proposed, she said yes and they had a majestic wedding. The woman eventually retired which allowed them to spend even more time together, feeding the animals and watching their dogs play.

One night in bed, the man was awoken by a voice. It was the genie. "You have worked like no man has ever worked before. You have cared like no other man has cared before and you have loved like no other man has loved before. You have lived a great life." The man then went back to sleep and woke up feeling a little under the weather.

Days pass and each passing day, the man felt more and more ill. Medical professionals from all over the world came over to examine him but none could figure out what was wrong with him, nor did any of them know of a cure. After a few weeks, it was clear he was on his way out so one day when they were together, he signaled for the woman to come over to his bed side. "Gloria, I just want to say something to you."

"What darling?"

"I... I just want to say thank you."

"No problem, but why?"

"Because... Because you made me feel like a kid again."

[cornAdministrator]

President Obama, Donald Trump, a priest and a pilot are all in an aeroplane whens suddenly the plane starts to lose fuel. The pilot announces that they are going to crash and that there are three parachutes available. President Obama grabs a parachute, declares, "I'm the President of the United States so I need a parachute." and jumps out. Donald Trump then shouts, "I'm the future President of the United States so I need a parachute," grabs one and jumps out. The priest then turns to the pilot and says, "Look, you're a young man and you've got your whole life ahead of you. You go." The pilot laughs and responds, "Don't worry, there's enough parachutes for the both of us; Donald Trump jumped out with my backpack!"

[cornAdministrator]

A man staggers home at 3am covered in golden glitter and confetti. His wife sees him and horrified, yells, "Where have you been?"

"I've been to the new Golden Bar that's just opened down town." the husband replies, "They've got golden seats, golden glasses, golden everything!" Suspecting that he'd been to a strip club, she decides to call him out on his bluff, so the wife pulls out a business card from the drunken husband's pocket and dials the number on the card.

"Hello, this is the Golden Bar. Reservations for meals can be made between the hours of 7am and 7pm and birthday parties can be arranged at any time during our operating hours. How can I help?"

"Well my husband claims to have been at your bar. Do you have golden seats?"

"We sure do!"

"And do you have golden glasses?"

"Yeah we sure do have some of those."

"They even have a golden toilet!" the husband shouts with a sly grin on his face.

"My husband also says you have a golden toilet?"

"Er hang on a minute miss... Hey Johnny I think I know who took a shit in your tuba."

[RénbeaudachAdministrator]

Two journalists are sitting on a train to London , and as they both stand up to alight one of them realises he has nothing with which to record the interview he's schedlued to conduct later that morning.

He turns to his colleague and asks, 'Can I use your Dictaphone?'

'No, you can use your fingers just like everyone else!'

[cornAdministrator]

haha that's a good one.

A couple are walking around in Moscow when the weather suddenly changes.

The man says, "Ugh, look it's raining!"

The wife responds, "No, that's not rain, it's snow!"

"It's definitely rain."

"No, it's snow."

"Ok, let's ask that communist officer over there. He's probably lived in Moscow all his life, let's ask him!"

So they approach the officer and the man asks, "What's your name officer?"

"Rudolph." the officer replies.

"Rudolph, can you tell me, is this weather rain or snow?"

Rudolph thinks for a minute, "Definitely rain."

So the couple walk off and the man says to the wife, "See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

[RénbeaudachAdministrator]

I was once part of a band called 1023MB, unfortunately we never made it to a gig.

[cornAdministrator]

An Indian goes to the trading post in search of toilet paper. He sees three brands; a deluxe brand which costs $1, a standard brand which costs 50 cents and a no name brand which cost 15 cents. With the Indian being a poor fellow, he decides to buy the no name brand.

The next day, he returns to the trading post with the toilet paper and says, "You should name this brand John Wayne!"

"Why?" the clerk asks.

"Because it's ROUGH! It's TOUGH! And it don't take no shit off no Indian!"

[RénbeaudachAdministrator]

There's a little known but very old tradition whereby after inauguration every president of the USA has to do a timed run around the grounds of the White House, with the fastest times being kept in a secret hall of fame.

So in January of 2008 Barack Obama after weeks of training clocks in at a solid ten minutes; feeling pleased with himself, he asks the record keeper whether his time was the fastest.

'No I'm afraid not,' comes the reply, 'Bush did 9:11!'

[cornAdministrator]

A powerful king asked his financial advisor to hire some jesters to entertain him, however due to the lack of funds, the advisor said that he could only afford eleven jesters. The king was satisfied with this and hired the eleven jesters.

The May jester was a hoot, as was June's, July's and Augusts. September's didn't disappoint and October's, November's and Decembers proved to be a laugh a minute. January's had the king split his sides with laughter and February's was no different, however the March jester failed to provide any laughs from the king. After waiting patiently for a month, the king shouted to his advisor, "Bring on the next jester!" to which the advisor replied, "Sir, we don't have any April fools!"

[cornAdministrator]

As part of an incentive to help her students revise, a History teacher who works at a school in Glasgow says that if anyone can answer her question correctly during her Friday lesson, then they can go home for the day. At the start of the lesson, she says, "Ok, whoever gets this right can go home. Who said this quote? "Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Little Jock at the back puts his hand up. "Sarah," she shouts as she points to the girl. "That's easy, Nelson Mandela!" she responds with a thick Liverpudlian accent. So the teacher concludes that it's correct and tells her to go home and come back on Monday.

The next week, the teacher asks, "Who said this quote? "To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often." Little Jock puts his hand up again, stretching it as high as he can. "Samuel," the teacher shouts, pointing in his direction, "That would be Winston Churchill." he responds with a Cheshire accent. The teacher says that he is correct and he is sent home and told to come back on the following Monday.

Over that week, Little Jock revised and revised. He researched all the famous men and women who have had an impact on the world. After a dedicated week of constant revision, he felt he was more than ready for the question on Friday. So on the Friday, Little Jock sat himself in a place where he could make sure that he could be seen. He sat upright with a smile on his face and greeted the teacher as she walked in. The teacher then asked her question, "Who said this quote? "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Little Jock stretched his arm right up and waved it around trying his damnedest to get his teachers attention. She points in his direction, "Claude," she says, pointing to the kid right next to him. "That would be Thomas Jefferson miss," he says with a thick Geordie accent, so Claude gets sent home. Frustrated, Little Jock blurts out, "Who let all these fookin English in here?"

"Who said that?" the teacher snaps.

"William Wallace," Little Jock replies, "See you on fookin Monday."

[cornAdministrator]

A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime and orders a beer and a packet of crisps.

The bartender looks at him and squeals, "Oh my god! A talking duck! What are you doing here?"

The duck replies, "Oh I'm just dry-walling the building across the road. I'll be in town for a few days."

The next day, the duck returns to the bar. Upon seeing him, the bartender says, "Hey duck, I was telling my friend about you, and he wants to meet you!"

"Is that so?"

"Yes. He works at a circus and is the ringmaster there, He said you'd be a star attraction for his show!"

The duck looks puzzled and replies,"Why the hell would a circus want a dry-waller?"

[SkillemEnergetic]

The Doctor.

[cornAdministrator]

A man walks into a restaurant and is accosted by three women at the door; one Chinese, one Japanese and one Cantonese.

"Hi guy, try pulled pork dish, is number one dish!" exclaims the Chinese woman

"No, no, not pork get sushi is number one dish!" yells the Japanese woman.

"No guy don't listen to idiot you need get chicken in Cantonese sauce." screams the Cantonese woman.

The man looks perplexed as the three continue to bicker about which is the best dish and lets the waiter escort him to his table. When he's eventually seated he asks, "Who are those women who hang around at the door?"

The waiter responds, "Oh don't worry about them, they're just the recommend Asians."

[The DoctorSmooth Operator]

XOscar thinking he's funny.

[cornAdministrator]

any NSFW jokes, please spoiler them and label them NSFW.

[cornAdministrator]

So there's this male and female gorilla called Bob and Flo who are the zoo's main attraction. Flocks of crowds all over the world come to the zoo just to see these gorillas perform tricks and engage with the crowd. However one day, Bob died. Having been together for the last 25 years, Flo, the female gorilla became recluse and sulked away from the crowds of people that came to see her. This caused less and less people to come into the zoo and because of this the zoo was losing money.

A desperate owner calls in one of his zookeepers and said, "Jerry, what's up with Flo? She's not been the same since Bob died and it's losing us money."

"Well," Jerry replies, "The two had been together for a long time, maybe she just isn't used to being alone. I reckon we should get her a new companion."

"We can't afford a new companion," the owner said, "We've had to make major cutbacks since Bob died due to the crowd levels sharply decreasing." Then something struck him, "Wait, I have an idea."

The owner goes into the back of the closet and brings out a gorilla costume, "Jerry, I need you to wear this gorilla costume and stay in the cage with Flo until we can afford a new gorilla. I'll double your pay if you do it, just make sure she's happy so the crowds come back in."

So Jerry agrees to it, puts on the costume and goes into the cage. Flo, became more active and the huge crowds started coming back in, however they soon dwindled again as Flo recognised that it wasn't Bob. Then in an attempt to bring the crowds back, Jerry started beating his chest and making gorilla noises, which drew the crowds back in, only for them to dwindle again after a few weeks. As a last resort, he begins to start doing tricks and swinging on the equipment. This drew the crowds back in and they were applauding what they thought was a new gorilla. One day, when the crowd was particularly high, he swung about on the ropes, over exerted himself and fell into the cage next door. As he landed and got up, he saw a huge lion staring back. He tried to disguise his fears making gorilla noises but as the lion started approaching he panicked. "Help! Help!" he shouted as the lion then began charging straight at him. He tried to run away but the lion was simply too fast and it tackled him to the ground. Screaming and panicking, he continues to shout as the lion moves his face towards his neck. The lion then opens its mouth, showing its beastly jaws, moves closer and closer, then says, "Bloody hell Jerry, pipe down, else you're gonna get us both sacked!"

[cornAdministrator]

So what's the worst joke you know?

Two Irishmen, one partially deaf and one moderately deaf go into a bar in Dublin. They sit down and have a drink whilst the owner is shouting out what tonight's act will be. "Tonight, we will be having Seamus O'Reilly on stage who will doing some country and western!"

The moderately deaf man then turns round to the partially deaf man and asks, "Did he say that it was a jazz act?"

"No," the partially deaf man responds.

"Did he say it was a rock act?"

"No."

"70's disco?"

"No."

"Pop?"

"No."

"Then is it reggae?"

"No."

"Heavy Metal?"

"No."

Struggling to think of any more music genres, he then asks, "So what is it?"

And the partially deaf man replies, "Some cunt from Wexford."

[cornAdministrator]

this thread needs reviving.

A farmer is having trouble from the local kids in the village. Every time he goes out into the next town in search of supplies, they steal his fruit and vegetables, leaving the remnants behind as evidence. This happens day after day, week after week until the farmer is dangerously low on food and only has six watermelons left on his patch of land.

The farmer lays awake one night thinking how he can solve the problem. He's tried everything; the dog he bought is easily distracted and is now friendly with the children, the scarecrow isn't scary and by the time the old farmer goes into his shed for his shotgun, the kids are long gone. Then he comes up with the solution; he will inject one of his watermelons with cyanide when he leaves for town the next day. So the farmer goes out the next day, injects one of his watermelons with cyanide and leaves up a sign saying 'WARNING, ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE. DO NOT EAT.' Chuckling, he then makes his way into the next town.

He comes back still with a huge grin on his face. His grin grows even wider when he sees that he still has his six watermelons there, untouched. However, his dog is barking and is looking towards the sign. The farmer looks at the dog, then looks at the sign in dismay, 'WARNING, ONE TWO OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS HAVE BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE. DO NOT EAT.'

[RénbeaudachAdministrator]

Thread needs reviving with a suitably awful joke:

'Why did the jeweller give up making a belt out of all of his watches?'

'Because it was a waist of time'

[GuestGuest]

Mexican and Black Jokes are the same once you heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

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