Jokes Thread

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Helios on Mon Jul 20 2015, 22:55

bond fc colour yellow

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Lloyd Banks on Mon Jul 20 2015, 23:04

Helios wrote:bond fc colour yellow

l00000000l
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Jul 20 2015, 23:46

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German and a Spaniard are all on holiday in New York when they saw a street magician performing. Since there was already a huge crowd watching him, the four men were forced to stand right at the back. After the magician did his latest trick, he looked and saw the four men at the back and said, "Hey, can you four see me over there?"

They replied, "Yes!" "Oui!" "Si!" Ja!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Wildey on Wed Jul 22 2015, 20:50

Let's go with some ol' science jokes.

Two atoms are walking together.
One atom says "I've lost an electron..."
The other atom goes "Are you sure?"
The atom says "Yes, I'm positive."

Banter.




Spoiler:
-------------------------------------------------------------
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Wed Jul 22 2015, 22:02

Why do Catholics need the Higgs Boson?

Because without it they couldn't have mass.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Wed Jul 22 2015, 22:16

Two scientists walked into a bar designed specifically for scientists. The first scientist said, "I'll have some H20 please." The second scientist said, "I'll have some H20 too."

The second scientist died.


Last edited by corn on Wed Jul 22 2015, 22:40; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Thu Jul 23 2015, 00:25

What was the chemist's excuse for not being able to tell any new jokes?

'All the good ones argon.'
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Thu Jul 23 2015, 00:32

Rénbeaudach wrote:What was the chemist's excuse for not being able to tell any new jokes?

'All the good ones argon.'

Au wow, now that one's gold.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by CircleBoy on Thu Jul 23 2015, 00:32

One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the office of the Dean of Sciences. In rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" the others demand. The statistician replies, "Well, to solve the problem, you obviously need a larger sample size."

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Thu Jul 23 2015, 11:23

well you shouldn't
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Helios on Thu Jul 23 2015, 11:58

I understand the science jokes and I failed GCSE single award science swift so stfu

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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Thu Jul 23 2015, 14:35

My favourite science joke...

Is Tony Stark (the Iron Man) a male?

No, he's a female.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Sat Jul 25 2015, 00:59

A man walks into a pet shop and asks for a parrot. The owner takes him around to the back of the store where there's three beautiful parrots in large cages, one green, one yellow and one red. He looks at the price of the green parrot and is astonished to see that the bird costs a whooping £5000. "£5000 for a parrot? Are you nuts?"

"Ah," the owner says, "this parrot is the most sociable parrot I've ever seen. He's so polite, can hold his own in any conversation and is willing to help anybody that needs it. Infact people come into the shop just to speak to him."

The man looks at the price tag of the yellow parrot and sees that it's worth £7500. "So what does this parrot do then?"

"This one," the clerk says proudly, "is the hardest working parrots I've ever seen. He works night and day, working all sorts of crazy hours to make sure the cages get clean and the others get fed. Infact when people come into the shop, they are amazed at how conscientious he is."

So the man thinks and says, "This red parrot is £10,000. What does he do?"

"He doesn't do anything," the owner responds, "but the others call him 'The Boss'."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Mon Jul 27 2015, 14:07

A British man walks into a Wal-Mart and goes to the counter. "Hey," he says, "do you know where I can buy a Kinder Egg?"

"Sorry, but we don't sell them due to them being a safety hazard for children."

"Ah no problem then," the man responds, "I'll just take two of these assault rifles instead."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Wed Jul 29 2015, 00:37

A group of chess enthusiasts were in a hotel bragging about their tournament victories and strategies when the manager came in and ordered them to leave.

"But why?" cried one of the group.

"Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Rénbeaudach on Wed Jul 29 2015, 02:01

All of the world's most famous actors are brought together to make a film about the lives of the great classical composers.

Trying to get a feel for which actors should play which roles, the director asks them who they most want to be.

Leonardo di Caprio says, "I'll play Mozart!"

Christian Bale: "I want to be Beethoven!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I'll be Bach"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Wed Jul 29 2015, 02:33

It's 1791 and the whole of Vienna is in mourning over the death of Wolfgang Mozart. A few weeks after the death, a man is walking his dog in the graveyard when he hears a strange noise. He follows the noise and sees that it's coming from Mozart's grave. In a panic, the man runs back into town screaming for everyone to come to the graveyard, so everyone including the mayor goes to check it out. When they all arrive at his grave, the noise is still there playing. "Oh that's just Mozart's 4th, but it's being played backwards," says one of the men in the crowd. The mayor spots the man and signals for him to come forward. "This is Mozart's 3rd, being played backwards," continued the man. This also continued with his 2nd and his 1st. The mayor was in a panic and started screaming for help when the man put a hand on his shoulder and reassured him, "Don't worry, he's just decomposing."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Wed Jul 29 2015, 11:28

A spic walks into a bar and says, "Hey, nigger, give me a drink." The nigger bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "nigger." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The nigger says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"Sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the nigger walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a fucking drink!" The "bartender" stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers in here."
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Thu Jul 30 2015, 03:35

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Thu Aug 06 2015, 00:09

A blind cowboy staggers into a saloon and eventually finds a bar stool. He then shouts at the top of his voice, "Hey, I know the best blonde joke ever! Who wants to hear it?" A woman who was sat next to him says, "Look, I can see that you are blind, so I'm gonna give you a warning before you tell us your blonde joke. I'm blonde and wrestle crocodiles for a living. The woman next to me is also blonde and skins bears with her bare hands. The woman at the side of her, also blonde, is the sharpest shooter in town. The saloon maid is blonde as well and chisels her teeth with her spurs and that woman to the right of her is the saloon manager. She is also blonde and has killed over 1000 men in fist fights. So, cowboy, do you still want to tell us that blonde joke?"

The cowboy thinks for a minute and says, "Nah, I don't want to have to repeat it five times!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by Guest on Thu Aug 06 2015, 00:40

how does the ratings thread get locked and this atrocity of a thread stays open?
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by The Doctor on Thu Aug 06 2015, 02:02

chuck lets kall eech ova owt so dey klows dis channal
Lemme get u startid

ur breath stinks fam just like ogre's
#onionbreath
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Re: Jokes Thread

Post by corn on Thu Aug 06 2015, 19:15

A British man, a Mexican and a Chinese man are all stranded on an island. The British man, naturally, elects himself as leader and says, "Ok, as the leader of the group, it is my job to get us the food. Mexican, your job is to build us a shelter. Chinese guy, you're in charge of supplies. We will all meet back here at dusk to eat." So they all make their way into the jungle.

It's dusk and the British man is cooking a nice large deer he killed in the jungle and the Mexican man is putting the finishing touches on the shelter. After a while the British man said, "Where is that Chinese guy?"

Suddenly, the Chinese man jumps out of the bushes and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
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Re: Jokes Thread

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